Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
