JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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