her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
