Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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