Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
