dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
