You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
