So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
