Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
