i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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