Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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