If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
