I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
