My hand turned me down
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
