I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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