Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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