Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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