John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
