The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Drunk is a universal language darling
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