Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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