I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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