took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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