Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Welp...herpes.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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