Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
