The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
