Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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