can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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