can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
