Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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