I will die if light touches me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Watching her eat just hurts me
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
