How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
