So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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