well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
