After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
