I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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