i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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