tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
