Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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