So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
