I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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