You made me cry and you don't even care
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
