I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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