Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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