Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
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Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
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We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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