I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
