I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
