He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
