I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
