I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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