I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
