made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Randomize
