Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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