you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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