I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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