I look better un-naked...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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