Michael Bay diarrhea
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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