The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
