just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
COCAINE IS GR8
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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