Can i not drive my cunt home
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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